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Just Popping In To Say Hi

by Crywank

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I thought if this could end somehow I would mend But I didn’t Well Of course I didn’t Your hand came out my mouth And I bit down And now your not around And I miss you We chose to have our space But in some ways I feel displaced Without you You are the ground It feels inevitable and true I want to quell what I give as fuel How I view myself when I’m with from you And it’s hard it’s hard Its hard it’s so Hard to be around you But it’s harder Not to I thought if this could end somehow I would mend Because I blamed you I shouldn’t blame you
I tried to find a way to fix what feels like nature so it’s stuck Hard to embrace what can not change when it just makes you feel fucked Some pains they felt they vanished after so long unaddressed When I’m alone too long I find these feelings where all repressed Hold my nose and breath and swallow three My chest bubbles up with escapees Gulp twice more if body does so please Then get release And so the method helps you cope, return to memoized routine So I am pacified by reminders of times my mind was clean It’s sure not cure but distraction is the safest in between Just to get me through this moment, this hour, this day this week Tap legs, tug hair, smoke and stare at screen Meditation seems too hard for me But repetition helps these hard thoughts breathe Zone out reprieve So contemplation enters Self flagellation easily I beat my self up but I’m now speaking metaphysically the existential dread debilitated with such frequency So I need coping mechanisms to still leave peacefully Hiccup cures, and counting games I need Record breaking swallow-fest indeed Reasoning fidget behaviour, they read As hyperbole
I don’t know when I will see you again Don’t know what it is now Or if we’re still friends And I’m sure if we did we’d have so much to say But we’d both be polite And then just walk away Because I know we wouldn’t like it The pair of us reminded By the other of the Worst we can be All growth and shifting mindsets Undone by seeing someone somehow immediately Loving scenes played out in my head All the things that you taught me and all the things that you said So to be honest I’ve missed you but I’ve pushed it away Because the hurt that you’ve caused me sticks with me to this day Well Memories sure They’re precious that’s true But I don’t want to make Any new ones with you And I’m sure that it’s mutual To see you as I am now would just be unusual It would be nice to underline it I Know we’re both doing fine without the other in our life I would rather be lethargic than nostalgic For a time when I liked myself less. Which sadly you have come to represent And I don’t think my head deserves it To relive what I have left behind, but seeing you conjures most of time Like fits of rage in the shower, getting drunk every hour Becoming perfectly content with being someone you resent And all the ways we felt we've never talked about We just whispered all amongst our friends and now we're also losing touch with them I don’t know when, I’ll see you again I know I don’t want to, childhood friend I give your actions more power, it’s unfair but it’s true So I’d just walk away, I like the distance from you Yes time away has taught me that I like this distance from you
It’s empathy from friends but it’s pity from the others who accidentally spit on you whilst you’re in the gutter A chance to make amends? Or polite exchanges? Maybe sometimes call them friends when really they’re just well meaning strangers Oh, I cauterized Silly dreams that hurt my mind Metamorphosize in reverse Find myself a canvas swathe To revert Those I’d want to see Too far to spit on me There a those who where my friends I may never see again
I want to be a character In a some fiction I write So I feel I have authorship Of my own life Build myself into concept To have some control But subconscious commands me And so does my soul What is truly my nature I try to resist Hasty thoughts I can conjour Make me feel sick Give my ego a premise Then try to commit Still can’t run away From the fact I exist Sure sometimes it is nice To be tangible and true But self-recognition Is hard to construe To be content in yourself Well that’s hard to do Some days you’d would rather be me Some days I’d rather be you And maybe in some ways That’s why it’s hard to empathise Your nothing more than character In someone else’s life To them you live as the fiction That You would like to be But without the control Over how you’re perceived You may feel minimised Or maybe misunderstood You may feel idealised whilst undeserving of love So then discard the opinion as they really don’t know you Only to face facts You don’t know yourself too Sure sometimes it is nice To be tangible and true But self-recognition Is hard to construe To be content in yourself Well that’s hard to do Some days you’d would rather be me Some days I’d rather be you
The good old days The bad old days Now feel the same Some numbness comes from growing old It comes in waves at least I’m told But Memories elephant still packs a punch And won’t say goodbye to what hurt us And all that once healed No longer feels real Once its served its purpose I can get nostalgic for a time Where I hated being alive
Chainmail 02:36
For some time I’d been pushing down Self destructive thoughts of mine that might break out Try to find the turnabout, redirect and build I can turn the fog to brick if it’s so willed I don’t want to be A cause of anxiety Pain as foundation Is what I mean by alchemy Interlinked like chainmail Protecting me whilst weighing me down
I want to brush my hair some more But I’m scared it might fall out I want to paint my face again But I’m scared that they might shout I dream of being pretty more than I do of thriving And dream of being remembered more than I do surviving I cross and cross and cross these trails and cross recross old paths Retread through all the footsteps where once we where so sad It’s nice to revisit its nice to replant But do I garden trauma, like the spineless sycophant In busy rooms all there for me I still feel misunderstood But it’s Ungrateful brain, and chosen pain, to say I feel unloved I might be often drama king, I may mope and pout and grumble Even in improving circumstance I still find myself disgruntled I Dig and dig, dig out my brain with primordial soup spoon Phantasmagoric memories are slowly detuned And Endlessly I rewrite all my histories of you Unstable Causality, breathes into tapestries untrue And soon Unsure the guilt I feel just comes from my disposition If these proppian dichotomies are just my own rendition Some days I feel the hero, other days I feel the villain Perhaps we are both mutually instigator and the victim I want to think so fickle And live just aesthetic life Because this self analysis It cuts through like a knife It slices so mathematically Into these perfect halves And the binaries of thinking Can tear my head apart
The game goose gaggles geese in 3s Whilst Wearing the fleece of the lone wolf sheep Fed mostly on feasts of wild bewilderbeasts In the shadow of ‘c’ where our moons may meet I am slaying with desperation For someone else to force me and of course me into what I say is necessity... When i would happily wait whilst all decpreciates bar a sweltering ego Feigning some gallent know-how of the inner workings of thef cash cow. Ego ergo sum.... until momentous pretention Spans past the scope of a self aware joke And into the frying pan Now the braggadocio of one-person show Manifest ever increasing aspect ratio Feeling better than an aspic glory hole Half hiding all the sentiments in faux-poetic code Now whose gonna save my sock with the hole When the gelatine encases immature turns of phrases And what I wish to call folk art equivalence Is really just me speaking of laziness I won’t be pure I know I’m contrived I’ll make bad art The rest of my life I’ll take what I can And Claim it as mine Recycled intent In a lazy design Lay around lazy with enough expectation That I can somehow do more than Superfluous creations Say some strangers with their polite congratulations Lately gravys been tasting different I’ve got Disparate desires that won’t intertwine So a belligerent nature soon comes to define It felt significant, but only for a short amount of time for now I only want the softest liquorice Snake in my boot when the pull string worked Now it’s a flickering gibberish that only just hurts Slowly find the teenage songs I needed all sounding worse There was never a performance but all the time to rehearse
I want to create To Maybe find those who relate But my struggles feel inadequate And all I make just simulates What I can’t explain, And It feels like I feign these difficulties, opportunistically To capitalise off my pain To make art from something difficult I know it can be healing But how much do I rely On self-destructive feelings Will I better myself if the fuel for the fire Is demoralising patterns Is it really constructive to wait for the next bad thing to happen Is it inspiration Is it a way of confronting? Am I stagnating? Or am I overcoming? I feel like sharing this Is so unbecoming And though I want to vent And pay the rent Perhaps it’s better to do nothing How much do I undermine My own and others trauma When I quickly repurpose it As sellable melodrama? Sometimes I doubt my self so much Are my Tragedies authentic Or just a creative writing tool For me to make a buck quick? Well If someone I love dies Will i find I start to write An entire concept album About how they’re no longer alive? And will it really be needed to profit from the process? Does it come from a need to make art to survive Or just dramatic excess? If there’s a fire And I think I’m gonna die The more I repeat it The more it feels like a lie Well it’s not that bad Well at least at least at least At least I didn’t die So this song could be released
Deep down my true desire is to make myself an icon by preaching to the choir Activism purely in double speak Anti capitalism as a marketing technique Who cares about praxis, when you’ve got the access To a crowd who all agree, and still buy cds And want to hear songs where someone shouts all their beliefs? Soon i’ll be at Glastonbury and play on the bbc Do you hear that thunder? It’s the sound of me speaking over another It’s the sound of pats til my backs red raw As i conquer enemies of made of straw We sing about inclusivity And toxic masculinity Whilst me and my boys get down to our underpants And Push each other to dance We’ll be a socialist band Who tweet thank yous to Amazon Call ourselves feminists on stages with no women on And when we are pressured to bring them along You’ll better bet they’ll be a huge wage gap I’ll shut my mouth Don’t touch me I’ll shut my mouth Don’t touch me I’ll shut my mouth Don’t touch me I’ll shut my mouth Center myself in movements when they seem usable Write songs where we all scream Black is beautiful Because as a white man I feel it’s my duty I figure they’re all waiting for me to reaffirm their beauty Our press releases like to say its a revolution Whilst we revel being part of the music institution Sure sometimes they say we’re virtue signalling I don’t give a fuck, my wallet’s thickening


On the 23rd of August 2021 there was a house fire at my flat with my partner which left us and our neighbours displaced, my partner out of work and my foot all gross and burnt up. We don’t know how the fire started and just woke up to a blaze on our deck. Despite writing an entire album about the break-up of Crywank, and doing a farewell world tour (that was postponed half way through due to the global pandemic) I wanted to make some good out of bad and get some much needed creative release so decided to record an ep. I booked in studio time with my friend Colm Hinds four days later and quickly realised I had much more to say. We recorded what became this album within that one session. Rather than rush release to try and raise funds for me and my neighbours like I had initially planned, I booked in two more days the following week and with the help of friends added instrumentation to the songs as I felt they deserved more time. I’d been trying to write love songs for my new project ‘Lovewank’ but as you’ll probably be able to tell by this albums lyrics this couldn’t really be anything other than Crywank. With the permission of Dan to continue the project without him whilst we are living in different countries (I am currently living in Ontario) this album ‘Just Popping In To Say Hi’ is the first solo Crywank release since 2012.

These songs are largely focused on themes of lost and distant friendships, your place within the narratives of others lives, the fog of memory and the mental limitations of self-image (apart from the last track which is a diss track about a fictional band called Ultra Bono). I was proud to know when to stop, but what lingered after a closed book has manifested. There where too many pages so the book keeps bursting open. I hope you find some enjoyment or solace in what me and my friends have created over this bizarre couple of weeks.

This album is being prereleased at £3 but anything more you can give is so helpful. Profits from the first week are going towards paying the expenses of recording, paying musicians who played on it and going towards everyone living on the third floor where the fire occurred. After a week as with all Crywank albums it will be properly released on streaming platforms and go down to name your price.


released September 13, 2021

All songs were written and performed by Jay Crywank apart from track 3, which was co-written by David Eatock

Jay Crywank - Guitars, Keyboards, Piano
Colm Hinds - Bass 1,2,5,6,8,10. Synth 7, 11 Electric Guitar 6, Backing Vocals 4, 11
David Eatock - Synth & Keyboards 1, 3, 5, 7, 10, backing vocals 11
Julia Noel - Vocals 6, Backing Vocals 4
Molly Vaclav - Trumpet 10, Backing Vocals 11
Jay Anderson - Drums 1, 2, 4, 6, 10

Recorded and Produced by Colm Hinds at Dining Room Sound, Toronto
Mixed by Tom Nixon and Colm Hinds
Mastered by Tom Nixon

Cover Design by Julia Noel
Illustration by Dan Watson
Photograph by Norm Di Pasquale

A big thank you to everyone who donated to our GoFundMe after the fire, we all lost a lot of our things and had to find new places to live and your support helped endlessly! A big thank you to everyone who helped us clear out our flats after the fire, I couldn’t help due to my foot so your support and effort is so greatly appreciated. A big thank you to Nancy & Jeff, Nancy & Mike and also to Colm, Sean & Nathan for giving me and my partner a place to stay whilst finding a new home and whilst recording this album. It wouldn’t exist had it not been for all your help.


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Crywank Manchester, UK

Crywank are a UK based anti-folk band. They formed in Manchester. Jay is from Barnsley, Dan is from Darwen. They mostly write sad songs and have been told they are the worst named band in the country.


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